I think I have GAG syndrome or at least that's what I'm calling it. You know how it is, the Grass (is) Always Greener.
So here I am in Stamford, having had many challenging experiences and wondering if this really is my Empowerment City USA, ie, the place I belong. I have learned to be even stronger than I imagined and that's a great thing. I have learned to hold my head high in the face of defeat, not cry when I really wanted to and when its ok to (in the privacy of my own living room) have a knock-down-screaming-crying -my-eyes-out kind of fit.
I am fully aware that no matter where you go, there you are. It's like looking in a mirror, you will always be there...unless it's one of those crazy fun house mirrors, well, then that's not really the same.
Those that know me know I believe in Karma, past lives and being presented with lessons in this life time that will benefit us and make us stronger for our next lifetime.
Having said that, I'll say Connecticut has me WAY caught up in the lessons department for now. Universe? Can I just plateau for a while?
Since being here I found out my National Massage License didn't transfer to the state of Connecticut because they do massage licensing their own way.
Their way requires me to go back to school for another 18 months, pay an additional $20,000 and ideally be happy about it, but at minimum not be angry about it.
Knowing the Universe was sending me a message, I immediately shifted gears and applied to nursing schools in the area with the "area" being defined as the entire state. I was not accepted into three of them for my Microbiology score and the one I was accepted into, an LPN program largely funded by the state, was shut down two days later by the Governor Jody Rowl.
Again shifting gears and money running even lower than before, I took a quick 5 week CNA class from the Red Cross and completed it this week. Great right? Except I can take my test for the state license for another 8 weeks.
Oh, also I apparently did something that pissed my Biological father off so bad he will barely speak to me except to tell me what an awful person I am and how I ruined everything in our relationship by moving to Connecticut because now its too far for him to drive and see me. When I didn't have the money to come visit him for Thanksgiving shortly after the move, he went ape shit telling me with extreme sarcasm he was sorry he wasn't good enough for me to come up with $800 to make the trip and "really if you think about it this speaks volumes about the kind of person I really am and I'm not really good enough for him either". So, yeah, there's that. I am not sorry. I am more happy to have tried and know who he is than to have never tried at all.
So here I am, gorgeous weather, loving the physical surroundings of Stamford, yet not able to make a living to feel like I can stay here. I love the trees here, the actual four seasons, the cute little shops I can't afford to spend even a penny in as well as all the restaurants I want to try. I chose Stanford thinking I would be able to go to NYC whenever I wanted but that reality is I can't even afford the train ticket to get there. Am I sad to have moved here? No, because at least I tried and I know I gave it my all.
If you've hung in there with me for this long, I do want to say this, every place is good for something. Here my meditation skills have become even stronger, my Reiki more powerful, my resolve to make an outstanding life for myself (wherever that may be) unshakable. My pain in my leg is drastically reduced and I can finally walk normally again after the help of a wonderful Doctor here that I would have otherwise never found.
I often think why did I ever move here? My National license was granted (the very day I was run over by a car; how's that for irony?) and was going to be able to make some great money. I had a gorgeous one bedroom townhome I adored with almost 1000sq ft at a fantastic price that I traded for less than half that in square feet and more than double the rent. Sure in Dallas the summers were so hot it would melt the rubber right off your flip flops. The winters were just "less hot". Here I really do love having four distinct seasons.
So I ask you this, do I have a severe case of G.A.G. Syndrome and need to keep working harder to find the good here? Or should I thrown in the towel and move back to Dallas where I have several clients, many friends through massage, and earn a living there?
12 comments:
How long have you been there? You've had a lot of setbacks for sure but you probably need to give it a year (unless you are stone-cold broke!).
But also, try to listen to your gut. It is usually right.
I know that life is tough sometimes. We would be glad to have you back in the area, but I hope you find a way to make it work. Sounds like it is time for another video from Ian and I to make you smile. I am with Rebecca listen to your gut.
It is so good to hear from you again!! Like Bobbi said, of course we would love to have you back :-) But I agree with your initial feeling while you were here that there is always something about Dallas that sucks away your soul...
At least for me, I have always given a job 6 months before deciding whether I like it or not. How many months have you given Stamford? I ask because I can't remember...
And you know also it might seem completely different once you do get a job, I don't know?
They are right, though, go with your gut!
I'm so glad to hear from you!
Wow, 18 months? That's quite a chunk of time considering you're already licensed. Look at your surrounding states and see if your license is accepted in any of them. Maybe you can get the same benefits of stamford but less cost of living and you can work.
and why exactly was it up to you to visit biodad? His gas pedal foot broke?
When I think of you in Dallas, I think of all the family issues you had while you were down there and how stressful they were. At least, they were stressful to me, reading about them, so I can only imagine how stressful it was to live through it.
When I think of you in Empowerment, USA, I think of you taking charge of your life and doing something that felt incredibly right to you.
Maybe your current location is not where you are meant to be; however, it doesn't sound like Dallas was right either. Perhaps Empowerment, USA is just a stopping point on your journey.
We all miss you in the Dallas area. Know that you are loved, maybe not by all but by most. All our lives are brighter for knowing a star like you shining and blogging in our lives.
You are a wonderful person.
I feel I can speak of this subject pretty well, having lived in 6 states and more cities than I want to count. I think (as always) it's a combination: the place itself and your GAG syndrome.
Places do have a feel to them. If you still love the place, I would never suggest moving. Living in a city that just isn't right can be miserable. You might be able to go there temporarily, but you'll always want to go somewhere else. You might as well just be in that somewhere else.
Of course, like you said, you're the same wherever you are. You still have to deal with the issues in your life, and you can't literally ride off into the sunset and eternal bliss. I think it's easy when you're vulnerable to see the bad stuff and get discouraged. So, you have to find a way to not be so vulnerable before you can decide if the place just isn't right.
Since you're close to NYC, will NY state accept your national massage license? Even if it's a big commute, it could be a start.
By the way, I'm in a similar boat, although I'm taken care of by my husband. I went to college for 6 years, and all I have to show for it is a part time job with no benefits. Didn't we make the right choices? It's frustrating, but don't lose hope!
I've been thinking about you! I wish I had the answer, but I feel that the answer lies within your heart! Deep down you know what you should do. No one ever said life would be easy, I guess. But hopefully you'll find your sweet spot soon! Have you read Eat Pray Love? I just finished it and it kinda reminds me of you! Great book. Hugs, V. Keep in touch and keep blogging since I know that makes you happy!
I'm so sorry to hear of all the challenges you've faced since you've been there. I'm especially surprised to hear about the 180 your biological father has done.
I agree with Kate -- it's probably a combination. You'll have challenges everywhere, so no place will fix everything. But you also have to be able to function. I'd say give it a little more time if you can, but don't deny your gut either.
YAY you for posting again.
Sorry to hear about the trouble you've been through. You seem to have the right attitude about it though.
Hugs!
Hello Friend! I'm sorry that you've run in to so many roadblocks. (Around EVERY. SINGLE. CORNER. right?)
{I'm going to give you advice now, which you (obviously) don't need to take!}
This all might not be GAG, but that you just aren't where you need to be quite yet. Dallas was a place of strong unhappiness with your family - and you'll be smack dab in the middle of it again if you go back. Being able to distance yourself from that situation seems to be one of the things that has worked well for you with this move, so keep that progress. You're close to so many beautiful places... maybe you need to follow the job to the place instead of finding a new place and then worrying about the job? If you want to be a massage therapist - and I remember when that meant the world to you - let it lead you where you need to be. If you want to be an RN or an LPN, find the program that works for you and go to it.
Who do you know that loves a journey more than you?
It depends on two things: how broke you are and how adverse you are to getting a more menial job until you can get your license as a CNA.
Things work out, but I have learned recently that plans are a bad thing. Goals and ideas are good but nothing is ever set in stone.
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