This beautifully written piece was sent to me by my Biological Father's wife. It eloquently sums up the emotional dance that takes place when a child reunites with a biological parent.
Part One:
The journey through reunion is not unlike traveling to a foreign country where one doesn't speak the language or know the customs. Immersion into a new culture presents adjustments to climate, food, clothes, mannerisms and social rules. The experience carries imagined "should haves" that are markedly different from the often awkward reality.
Reunions hold the possibility of joy, hope and healing. These expectations and their resulting grief, however, can lead to misunderstanding, hurt and confusion. Each person must learn to adapt to the other's–as well as their own—perplexing, vacillating emotional changes. Each person must rise to the challenge of bridging the lost years as well as possible. We are severed from—but profoundly bonded to--each other. We come together as "Familiar Strangers." Familiar in many ways because of the inherent genetic traits that are expressed in physical and emotional mannerisms and thoughts and actions.
Unfamiliar in as many ways because each person has survived the sudden, abrupt truncation of a primary relationship. Each has developed different coping styles within the context of their own unique life path.
What happens? Why and How Can we Overcome the Challenges?
Traveling between the familiar and the unfamiliar requires resilience because the traveler will experience the roller coaster effects of elation/deflation as pent up emotions and years of buried grief and anger begin to spew forth. It is important to recognize that reunion is an intensely emotional, highly complex and unique phenomenon.
Emotions are energy in motion, they are the tools of growth and serve to warn, protect and teach us about ourselves and the presenting situation/relationship.
What happens when these worlds converge? One must learn to read between the lines. Be an observer of subtle cues, allow the other person to move at her/his own pace, put aside needs and expectations and "musts" for the reality of what it is. We need to develop an understanding and appreciation of one another's cultural and lifestyle differences.
Reunion emotions are high and conflicting feelings such as: joy. sorrow, anxiety, impatience, fear, anger and bewilderment. The person entering into a reunion is shifting gears from being a searcher with some measure of control, to a totally unknown situation, craving acceptance but anticipating rejection. The seat of the power now shifts to the contacted party. The searcher now must transition from the fantasies that filled the years of void and longing to stark reality.
Search is usually initiated by a strong internal drive to resolve the original issue of separation and loss (adoption). One thirsts to resolve unanswered questions. The emotional pressure to come full circle sustains what is often an arduous journey. The searcher's momentum increases as information is gathered. The emotional pressure to connect continues to escalate, while other life routine issues and obligations may be neglected because the searcher's focused journey is toward the truth, and he or she is expending a lot of emotional energy defending the need to search.
The searcher is not unlike a truck traveling 90 m.p.h.. The person who is found and who has not yet moved toward undertaking the search is taken by surprise and does not have this momentum. When these two different energies meet an emotional collision occurs. The searcher can barely slow down, while the person found can barely gasp for air, for the wind has been knocked out of them. They need time to adjust and may have concerns about the meaning behind the contact There may be stress regarding the implications of meeting and forming this new relationship.
Each party is bewildered by the other's actions. Each has different needs. One may be well versed in adoption issues with adoption, having support group exposure, ~while the other may not have even begun to contemplate adoption and reunion issues. Both parties have set their roles, rules and emotional commitments to others in their lives.
So many feelings flood forward, there may be bouts of crying or free-floating anger as these feelings flood forth. There is chaos and confusion. How can one be filled with such joy, anger, sadness. frustration, indifference, disappointment, fear and elation simultaneously?
Our identities are challenged. We will NEVER be the same as we were before contact. Issues of loyalty to respective primary relationships may impede the ability to enfold the other party. One's previous history of loss, coping skills, ability to identify and verbalize feelings, and capacity to mourn affect the person's ability to empathize and relate to one another. Perception about the adoption experience--shame/openness, conditions during the pregnancy, success of integrating the adoption experience, issues of inadequacy-- all impact the manner in which the reunion may unfold. It is a process that often leaves those involved bewildered and exhausted.
I will post part two tomorrow.
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